Reconnecting with Your Spouse- Through Intimacy

Part of what distinguishes a spouse from a friendship is that the marital relationship includes intimacy. Let me clear up right away that intimacy is not just sexual behavior (although it includes that as well) but is behaviors characterized by a closeness that is personal and private in nature. It can be anything from a look, to communciation, to touch, to sexual acts. Today I will focusing more on the physical relationship, however.

There are several things to be aware of before you try to use intimacy in order to reconnect with your spouse. First off, this is not something that can be forced (and I’m not referring to rape but of course that is even more important to remember). I have seen  couples who come into my office looking to reconnect and typically the female does not feel comfortable being intimate with her husband anymore. She feels as though he is a stranger and just as she would not want to be intimate with any random person she meets, she feels the same way about her husband. When she feels obligated to be intimate with him, it builds resentment. In these cases it is best if the couple refrains from intimacy for the time being. It is important that women do not use this as an excuse, however, but work towards feeling comfortable enough to be intimate. One thing that can help in this situation is to be working on the other concepts I have talked about in this Reconnecting with Your Spouse series. It is true that men need sex to feel loved by their wives, and wives need to feel loved in order to have sex with their husbands. So it may be helpful for men to remember women may need to feel the romance and wining and dining prior to trying to be intimate. It may also be helpful to start with less intimate behaviors and gradually work your way up to more intimate behaviors.

Why is intimacy important? If you search the internet there will be many answers to why intimacy is important in relationships, especially ones that aim to answer this on a spiritual level. I don’t want to go to deep in my answer here, so if you are looking for more, do a quick internet search. We are relational and sexual beings. Biologically speaking we have a need to be close to people and for the release associated with sex. Although people have varying views, beliefs, and values regarding sex, on the most basic level it is needed for procreation. If this was our only need, however, we would only be having sex when we were trying to conceive, and there would not be so many sexual acts that do not lead to the possibility of pregnancy. Intimacy helps us feel close to our partner, to feel connected, and gives us pleasure. Although some people do not feel the need for sexual relationships, the majority of people do, and find that it is needed for a well rounded, satisfying relationship. Without intimacy, a couple begins to feel more and more distant from one another.

In addition to sex and sexual acts, intimacy can also include holding hands, cuddling, massage, kissing, caressing, hugging, and bathing among many others. Start out slow and incorporate intimate behaviors in your relationship in order to feel connected with your spouse again!

 

 

Reconnecting with Your Spouse Through Shared Experiences

Last week I discussed increasing your positive communication in order to reconnect with your spouse. Today I would like to talk about actually doing things together, having shared experiences. Once again, it becomes so easy in today’s society to get caught up with our many obligations and to begin living separate lives. We forget how to have fun, how to share a lifetime. Experiencing positive and even difficult events together can help us bond with one another if handled properly. First we will discuss positive experiences as we are able to initiate these and are more desirable and then will discuss how to handle negative experiences properly as they come up.

When I talk about positive experiences one thing that I am looking at is what is called couple play. If you follow my blog, you may remember other posts dedicated to couple play, if not you can click here to see one of those posts. By incorporating play into your relationship you will enhance the amount of fun you have together. What this will do is help you see the positive characteristics in your mate that you have lost sight of.  It may make it easier to remember why you fell in love with them to begin with. Also, when you are having a good time you are more likely to think positively as you feel happy and these can impact the way you feel about your spouse. It will give you more chances to create inside jokes or have intimate moments and to have positive memories to share.

The other type of positive experience are bigger ocassions. This might be a birth, a wedding, or a new job. Let me state right here and now that these are not things to plan for in order to save your marriage. Too many people try having a baby in order to save their marriage but the problems are still there and now there is the added stress of all new decisions to be made and a small person to care for. When I talk about a birth I am referring to someone else having a child, perhaps you will be an aunt or uncle or a grandparent, or get to celebrate someone else’s wedding (again, not yours in order to save the relationship). The way for these events to help your relationship is to have equal views on them, to talk about them, perhaps remember and talk about your own experiences with these events and how your partner made them the most positive experiences they could be.

Stressful events, although nothing you want to try to initiate, can sometimes have a positive impact on the relationship. This might be an illness, death, or move, for instance. The importance here is that whatever the event is, that you work through it together. You become a united front, support one another to the best of your ability, and make sure that no one feels alone in the situation. By supporting each other through tough times it shows that you are trustworthy and brings to light the benefit of security that is found in mature love. We feel more connected with someone who we believe understands us and someone that we understand. It feels good to know that someone has our back and we will feel more positively towards that person as well.

Remember that none of this is a cure all. These are all pieces of the puzzle. You may already have these pieces fit into place but if you do not, you may want to look at finding them and putting them together in order to make the big picture come into focus!

 

Reconnecting with Your Spouse Through Communication

It happens so easily if you aren’t paying attention, life sneaks up on you and you no longer feel like you know the person who is sitting across the table at you at dinner, if you are lucky enough to even be sitting at the table together. Hint- It’s your spouse! With technology our life is supposed to be easier, but this just isn’t the case as we pile on more obligations and take on more than our counterparts did 30 years ago. In many families, both spouses work, they have children, the children are involved with several after school activities, we feel like we have to be super parents and home makers- baking, cleaning, etc. In our free time we tend to veg in front of the TV, computer, or gaming device. The one thing that you don’t notice here is communicating with your partner and actually making your relationship a priority.

My first rule for reconnecting with your spouse is to increase the amount of positive communication between the two of you.  Another hint, in order for this to happen you may very well need to turn off the computer, cell phone, TV, gaming device, or any other electronic that commands your attention on a regular basis. It amazes me how many couples sit on the couch and watch TV every night, do not communicate, but expect that because they are sitting next to each other watching the same show they should feel connected. Don’t get me wrong, this is fine to do on occasion and even a few nights a week especially if you are physical people who enjoy cuddling with one another, but will not be helpful if it is most nights.

So what should you do if you are not watching TV or using other electronics? Talk! Communicate! Share with one another! I usually advise my couples to pick a night of the week that is good for them and to create a ritual around it. So it may be that you decide that every Friday night is your date night and you will have wine and cheese after you put the kids to bed and sit and talk with one another. Another couple I see reported that they would pick a different country each week and cook a dish from that country together. Some choose to go for regular walks around the block after dinner or to do more physical activities which they can still talk to one another. The options are endless. As John Gottman, a well known figure in couples counseling, has stated- you need 5 positives to cancel out a negative. So the point of this is to increase the positive communication before or at the same time you try to change the negative.

I like having a day scheduled since it is more likely to be remembered and held as a priority. Of course things come up and in that case, if you are still only having alone time once per week then it is best to reschedule it to another day. If you have incorporated multiple activities throughout the week it is okay to agree to miss one when something comes up. After doing it week after week it becomes something that you look forward to as it becomes more familiar and represents who you are as a couple. When you first start out, it is important to keep the conversation positive by steering away from high conflict areas of conversation.

I hope you enjoy finding your own way of incorporating this idea into your marriage. Please feel free to share your ideas of rituals that you like or use.